Get voting on the joke of the day. Jokes that don't makes the grade will be archived below...
Ten Reasons Farm Trucks Aren't Stolen:
25th of March
#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
A Tall Chick
11th of March
A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man said "I'll have a hamburger, fries and coke" and turns to the ostrich "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says "I'll have a hamburger, fries and coke".
Then the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a regular routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" the waitress asks.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes back with the order and says "that will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls out the exact change and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity and longer and ask "excuse me sir, but how do you come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well" says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a rolls royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.
The waitress asks "one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers. "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Nice Truck
5th of March
Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX... PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!
TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!
PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....
The Economist and the Farmer
3rd of March
A man was walking along a road in the quaint countryside and came across a farmer and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of sheep in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picked one up and began to walk away."Wait," cried the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man thought for a moment a said "sure.""You are an economist for the federal government," said the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responded the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," said the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
Buying Tomatoes
2nd of March
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden.
"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Chicken Farming
8th of February
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in.
As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"
The new farmer said, "Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together."
Counting Sheep
27th of January
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Piggy Class
25th of January
The teacher was furious with her son. "Just because you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can take liberties. You're a pig."
The boy said nothing.
"Well! Do you know what a pig is?"
"Yes, Mom," said the boy. "The offspring of a swine."
Ducks in the Water
18th of January
A motorist in a B.M.W. was driving through the countryside on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, having a lovely time, when he came to an area of the road that was covered with a rather large puddle of water from a previous rain storm.
Worried that he was going to damage the car and its engine in the deep water, he spotted a nearby farmer and asked how deep the water was.
"Ahh", said the local farmer "That water only be a few inches deep!" Relieved, the motorist edged his car into the water, expecting to come out the other side in no time. Instead, as he drove in, the water came right up the side of the car, and the engine sputtered to a halt.
Sitting there in his soaking wet luxury car, the motorist yelled at the local angrily: "I thought you said this water was only a few inches deep!!!"
"Well," replied the local farmer "It only comes up to the waist of those ducks!"
Pumpkins
12th of January
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
14th December
Lame Horse
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice.
“I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”
The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”
23rd November
One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in.
"A cup of milk please" he said to the bartender.
After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody, "I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back.
Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy, ”What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied, "Well, I had to walk home."
11th November
Two farmers were driving their tractor...
Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner, brakes hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy says to Tom, "It's just as well we got out of that field."
2nd November
Six-Legged Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”
27th October
A Fishy Story
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
22nd October
The Fire Dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster."No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
8th October
Tulips
A friend of mine mistook a tulip bulb for an onion recently. He went straight to hospital and after a short wait in casualty the doctor saw him.
“Are tulip bulbs poisonous?" My friend asked the doctor.
The doctor told him that they were and he would have to be admitted the poisons unit.
“Oh dear” said my friend “How long will I be in for?”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor “You will be out by spring!”
4th September
What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beef.
1st September
You Know You're in a Small Town...
When you don't use indicators because everybody knows where you're going.
If you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
If you speak to each dog you pass, by name ...
.. and he wags his tail at you.
If you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
When the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
If you write a cheque with the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
If you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!
31st August
The Very Deep Hole
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they were suprised to find they couldn't see the bottom. So they droped a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... but nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!"
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working nearby. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."
26th August
Choosing a Farm Name
A city family bought a farm out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if they had given the farm a name.
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
Lost in the Woods
A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you,” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.” “Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
13th August
Sewing
What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
5th August
If horses were software.....A letter to tech support
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Cover". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labelled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
4th August
Five Doctors Duck Shooting
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
'I'm not quite sure it's a duck,' he said, 'I think that I will have to get a second opinion.' And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. 'I'll have to do some more investigations,' he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
'Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?' The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
'Go see if that was a duck, will you?'
21st July
The Two Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
10th July
Smoking Horse
A Taranaki farmer noticed smoke coming from his neighbour's barn one day. He went over to his neighbour’s house to inform the owner.
"Does your horse smoke?" the farmer asked.
"No," the neighbour answered.
The farmer asked again. "Are you sure?"
"Sure I am sure," was the reply.
The farmer then replied "Then your stable is on fire!"
8th July
Three-legged Chickens
A man was driving up the motorway late one night when he was amazed to see a strange animal pass him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick. He faintly saw it run off the motorway at the following exit.
He followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked. The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature.
"Oh yes," said the farmer, "that’s one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each."
"Really?" asked the man. "That’s amazing! How do they taste?"
"I don’t know," replied the farmer. "I haven’t been able to catch one yet."
3rd July
Pricey Dinner
A farmer and his wife were dining out at a nice restaurant. They overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the farmer, "Near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."
2nd July
Income Opportunity
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"
29th June
A farmer and his wife decide to sell their land so they can move to Florida and retire. A prospective buyer comes by and likes the place, but there's only one problem: he's deathly afraid of bees and on a tour of the property, he noticed a lot of them. The farmer says, "There's always been bees around here, but in the 30 years I've owned the farm, I've never been stung by one.”He then says “I'll tell you what. Take off your clothes and let me tie you to that tree over there. If you're stung by a single bee, I'll give you the farm for nothing. But if you don't get stung, you have to buy the farm at my asking price.” The guy figures the possibility of a free farm is too good to pass up, so he agrees to the farmer's deal. The farmer ties him naked to the tree and goes to work in the fields. A few hours later the farmer returns only to find the man in a state of total exhaustion. He's a complete wreck. His knees are buckling and the only things holding him up are the tiny straps securing him to the tree trunk. The farmer is shocked. "What on earth happened to you? You're a mess! Did the bees get you?""No," says the man, "but doesn't that calf have a mother?”
24th June
The Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
5th June
The Corn Wagon
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
2nd June
Settling a cow case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
25th May
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."
20th May
Calling home
Maid answers: Hello?
Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.
Maid: Just a minute.
Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.
Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!
Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right now.
Tough Mafioso: If you don't get her on the phone in two seconds I'm gonna come over there and pull your jaw from your face.
Maid stutters: You, you don't understand, she's in there with another man.
Tough Mafioso: What!?!
Maid: Yeah.
Tough Mafioso: Listen, this is what I want you to do, I want you to shoot them both dead and then get rid of the gun.
Maid stutters: I, I can't do that, I can't shoot anybody.
Tough Mafioso: You do it Now!
Maid stutters: I, I can't!
Tough Mafioso: If you don't do it right now I'm gonna kill you and your whole family. Go do it now! I wanna hear the shots.
Maid: Ok.
The tough mafioso hears two loud shots over the phone.
Maid stutters: I did it.
Tough Mafioso: Good. Whad'ya you do with the gun?
Maid stutters: I threw it in the pool.
Tough Mafioso: Pool? What pool? We don't have a pool!? ...Is this 734-2264?
13th May
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how are ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, listen to this: I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a-slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters.
"Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a-started trying to milk her again.
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked, "well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from ya..."
29th April
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?'' "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
The Birds and the Bees
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
16th March
"One Man's Farm Pond"
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
10th March
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.” “Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.”
03.03.2009
What do you get if you all sit under a cow?A pat on the head!
23.02.2009
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
22.02.09
TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS AREN'T STOLEN:
Advertisment